"Don't you want to stay?"

"Hinaan mo muna yung aircon ang lamig eh."


"Tinatamad ako dad. Inaantok pa ako. Please ikaw na?"


You sat on the edge of the bed. Gazed at me. Kissed me on the forehead. Stood up then instantly reached the crank of the faulty air conditioner. I saw how the dim moonlight licked your body through the thin satin curtains of my room.


"Palitan mo na tong aircon mo."


"Pwede pa naman yan no."


"Ang kuripot ng baby ko."


I smiled. Unti-unti lang lumapit pabalik sa kama.


Seeing you makes me happy. I love to see how you smile. Nakakatuwa na t'wing makikita kita eh lagi kang nakangiti. It's as if you're not going through anything. That's what I love about you, kahit depressing na ang mga pangyayari and we both know that we're in a complicated set-up,you still manage to make things light and easy for us.


Umupo ka sa edge ng kama. I saw your back. Sexy as always. You possess those define back muscles that really turn me on. My fingers made their way to it. Hinahawakan kita sa paraang alam kong makakapagpatigas sayo. Parang explorer na sumusunod sa mapa ang aking mga daliri sa pagsunod sa mga guhit sa likod mo. Ramdam ko na nageenjoy ka dahil sa mga mahihinang ungol na namumutawi sa bibig mo.


You gave me that appealing stare which made my fingers stop from touching your back. Tumingin ka sakin while I was lying down. Dahan-dahan kang humiga. I can hear your heartbeat. You wrapped me with your arms. Nothing has ever felt this good. I must admit,everytime you touch me,it feels like I'm losing my virginity.


Nasubsob ako sa dibdib mong carpeted. Rinig ko ang tibok ng iyong puso. Dama ko ang init ng iyong katawan. Kita ko ang contentment sa iyong mukha. Sana hindi na matapos to. Sana wala na tong katapusan.


“Kailan tayo magkikita ulit dad?”


“Basta itetext kita.”


“Kelan naman kaya yun?”


“Alam mo naman set-up diba?”


“Oo naman. Di ko nakakalimutan dad kung ano ako sayo.”


“Eto na naman ba tayo baby?”


Sabay tayong nagpakawala ng isang malalim na buntong hininga.


“Namimiss kita Dad.” sabi ko.


“Magkasama tayo ngayon. Paano mo ako namimiss? Ang gara naman nun.”


“Paano mamaya? Uuwi ka na tapos maiiwan na naman ako magisa dito Dad.”


Nakita mo ang disappointment sa aking mukha while I was saying those words. You pinched me,i stopped worrying about the future.


“Alam mo naman na di ka magisa diba?”


“Physically,pag umalis ka, Am alone and lonely.” sagot ko.


“You never have to be lonely. Okay?”


You gave me a reassuring kiss. Somehow,I felt fine, but deep inside kinakain ako ng takot. Everytime we meet, ang saya-saya ko. I never felt so happy. To think of it,alam kong ikaw lang ang makakapagpaligaya sakin ng husto,that's the reason bakit ako nagstick sayo kahit alam kong kumplikado lahat,maging ang relasyon natin.


“Oh? Bakit natutulala ka?”


I was surpised. Thoughts have been running on my head that I didn't even notice you're staring at me. Dumbfounded,I unconsciously bit my lower lip with my teeth. You laughed and asked me what's wrong.


“Anong problema Baby?”


“Wala Dad.”


I lied. Alam kong nagiisip ako.


“I know you.”


“I know.”


“Tell Dad now. Anong problema ng baby ko?”


“Dad,I was wondering.”


“What?”


“Kung kailan tayo magkikita ulit? Madaming mga thoughts ang tumatakbo sa isip ko now pero di ko alam kung ano yung pinakamatimbang. Ang alam ko lang ayoko ng matapos tong ganito. Yung tayong dalawa,ganito lang na magkasama. Yung tipong di mo na kailangang umuwi sa kanila. Yung tipong akin ka nalang?” mahaba kong sabi.


I saw sadness in your eyes. Sadness that has always been with you everytime we talk about us. Alam kong nahihirapan ka na sa set-up natin,alam mong nahihirapan din ako. Bakit di pa natin mapakawalan ang isa't-isa? Does that mean we love each other much at biktima lang tayo ng panahon?


“Alam mong mahal na mahal kita baby.”


“Alam mo din na mahal kita daddy.”


“Sorry for putting you sa ganitong set-up.”


“Alam ko ang pinasok ko from the start.”


“Sorry.”


“I know na may family ka. Alam ko lahat. I must admit na di ko maiwasan minsan na magdemand ng panahon mo,pero anong magagawa ko? Pumatol at nagmamahal ako ng isang taong pamilyado eh. Alam kong magiging ganito tayo. Naramdaman ko na magkakagulo tayo somewhere in the middle.”


Tumagilid ka ng pwesto. Bali kaharap mo na ako ngayon. We were facing each other. Our eyes met. Deep sighs. Hearts confused. Shall we stay? Shall we go?


“Baby? I have a question.”


“Ano yun daddy?”


“Kung di mo ko nakilala,sino kaya ang kasama mo ngayon?”


Nangiti ako sa tanong mo. We never talked like this before.


“That I don't know. Alam mo naman na mabenta ako.” I said,jokingly.


You smiled.


“Eh ikaw? Ano ka kaya ngayon kung wala ako?” tanong ko.


You gave me that odd look. You were trying to analyze if I was just trying to weight your statements and I know you were figuring out if I'm serious. I know you. You kissed me on the forehead.


“Sagot.” I demanded.


“I don't know. Siguro I never learned how to be unfaithful kung di kita nakilala.”


I raised an eyebrow. So kasalanan ko palang nagtataksil ka sa asawa mo? Partly,yes. Pero di ko kagagawan lahat. It's not me.


“Really?” tanong ko.


“I think so?”


“Why did you say that?”


“Ewan. My relationship with my wife has always been stable and all that. After having met you,di ko na alam kung anong nangyari. All I wanted was just to be with you,di ko alam. Alam kong marami akong pagkukulang sayo,pero kung alam mo lang kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo,you never would have doubted my feelings.”


“Dapat ba akong maging masaya dahil narinig ko yan sayo?” tanong ko.


“Siguro. On the first place I don't control your emotions.”


“Tama ka. We can't control how we feel. Di mo din ako masisi na sa twing uuwi ka sa inyo,jealousy brutally kills me.”


“Really? You seldom tell me you get jealous.”


“Hello? Ano ko robot? Di ba ko marunong magselos? At bakit ko pa sasabihin sayo na nagseselos ako? Para maguilty ka lalo?”


“Ikaw talaga.”


Tahimik. Parang musikang nanghaharana ang aming mga pusong naguusap. I have a gut feel that it would just have to end so soon.


“Baby?”


“Hmmm?”


Napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana. The rain started pouring like woah. I smiled.


“Why are you smiling baby?”


“It's raining daddy. Maybe it's a sign for you to stay a little longer.”


“Ikaw talaga. I have a question.”


“Ano yun?”


“Did you ever regret having me in your life?”


“What a question? Bakit mo naman natanong yan?”


“Wala naman. Baka kasi nahihirapan ka na sakin.”


“Oo. Nahihirapan ako sa set-up. Aminado ako. Pero I never complained. May narinig ka ba sakin?”


“Wala naman.”


“See. Yun yon. I have kept what I feel dahil ayokong mahirapan ka lalo. I know this is wrong. Alam na alam kong mahirap makiapid sa taong pamilyado. Alam ko lahat,pero tiniis ko dahil mahal kita.”


“Salamat sa pagmamahal.”


“You're welcome.”


“Gusto mo na ba kong hiwalayan?”


That question caught me off guard. Parang nawala ang katinuan ko nang marinig ko ang tanong na yan. Yung tipo bang 1M jackpot question sa “Who wants to be a millionaire?”,ganun ang dating. The question confused me. The question made me analyze things. The question made me weep.


“Ibabalik ko ang tanong sa'yo. Bakit mo natanong yan? Gusto mo na ba akong iwan?” tanong ko.


“Mahirap to para sakin...”


Before you could say anything,I had to cut you off.


“Spill it.” matigas kong sagot.


“I have to. Oo.”


“Shit.”


“My wife has been more suspicious nang may mga nakita syang sigarilyo sa pocket ko. She knows I don't smoke.”


“You could have lied.


“I did. Pero di sya naniniwala. Kilala nya ako.”


“Eh ako? Hindi ba kita kilala?”


“That's not the point.”


“Makikipaghiwalay ka sakin para sa asawa mo?”


“Hindi. Para sa mga anak ko.”


Asshole. Napatahimik ako sa narinig. Tama sya,para sa mga anak nya. I know I have his heart,pero mahirap pa rin talagang makipaglaban pag mga anak na ang pinaguusapan. I know how dedicated he is when it comes to his children at di ko naman kayang makitang walang ama yung mga yun. I think inuusig ako ng konsensya ko.


You stood up. Hinahanap ang mga damit mong nagkalat sa lapag. You're trying to make your way out of my room,and out of my life too. At this very moment, I really didn't know what I feel. Hindi ko alam ang dapat kong gawin,papakawalan ba kita? Ipaglalaban ba kita? I really don't know. Alam kong mas matimbang ang mga anak mo sa akin. Alam ko yan.


Patuloy ang paglakas ng ulan sa labas. Wala pa din tayong kibuan. We both know na iiyak tayo pareho the moment you try to leave. Alam natin pareho yan. You got dressed as fast as you could without even saying anything. Lumapit ka sa drawer ko na may malaking salamin then looked for my perfume to put on your own. I looked at the mirror,mas lumakas ang buhos ng ulan.


“I have to go.” you said sounding so calm.


“You really want to call this off?” tanong ko. Emotionless.


“I do. I have to. Let's break up.”


I didn't dare answer. I kept my mouth shut. You just stood there,sobbing. I knew you would cry. I knew it. I looked at you,I saw a miserable guy crying.


“Bakit ka umiiyak?” tanong ko.


“Ayoko talagang makipaghiwalay. Pero kailangan ko na. God knows how much I do love you.”


“Then why call it off?”


“I have to.”


“That's what your heart tells you?” tanong ko.


“No.”


We stared at each other. Both of us crying.


“Don't you want to stay for a little while?”


I didn't hear any response.


“Don't you want to stay?”


Tahimik.


“Don't you want to stay and hug me tight?”


Wala kang sagot. I turned my back. Humiga ako at humarap sa pader.


“Don't you want to stay with me here for the last time?”


Seconds after,I feel your arms wrap in my body,my heart. Then there's silence.


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