Dear The one that got away,
This is not the best time and probably the best place to write this pero I just couldn't help myself na hindi isulat to.
Hey,I miss you badly.
Nasaan ka na ba? Bawal ang gago dyan sa kung nasaan ka man ngayon.
Okay,paano ko ba ito sisimulan? This feels weird. Alam mo yun?
You're not with me for a long time now,mahigit isang taon na at magdadalawang taon na this May.
I told my friends that I'm okay. I tried to convince myself that I really am.
Guess what? After being romanced by the bitter Bulacan wind,I realized that I'm not.
I remember texting someone that at this point,I'm just accepting the fact that you're gone. After many months of convincing myself that I've moved on and I'm ready for another relationship,something had hit my stupid head and said "Ngayon ka palang magstart magmove-on,ambisyosa ka".
That might be true.
Alam mo namang I always have arguments with my own self so no need to think kung bakit bigla nalang nagscribble yung mga ganung kalokohan sa utak ko. Ayun na nga,going back. Di ko alam kung bakit all of a sudden naisip ko na di ako okay. Siguro naisip ko na di naman talaga ako okay and I was just playing a character. Yes,a character. I'm showing people that I'm fine,I'm okay and I'm strong. I tend to show people how easy it is to forget the wonderful memories we had. I might have succeeded with some,but there's this one person na alam kong hindi ko macoconvince about this.
I was with Pixel last time,the week before my terrible mood swings happened. The usual stuff,McDo. We were eating the same thing,Fries,Float,Chicken Burger,Sundae. There we go,stories,stories,stories. All of a sudden I asked her.
"Kumusta na kaya sya ngayon?"
"Siguro inuuod na."
"Tarantado ka Pixel. Sana dalawin ka."
"Gaga. EH di dalawin nya."
Unconsciously,I sighed. A sigh which came I don't know where.
"Do you still think of him?" she asked while pouring some tomato catsup on her burger.
"I think so."
"Oo nga. Ang tanga ng tanong ko."
"Oo,tanga ka din naman."
"Wag mong antaying bumanat ako Bakla ka." she said.
"I think,you're left with no choice. You have to move on."
"I've moved on."
"Do you need exact figures when?" I said.
"If you could give me."
"I don't know exactly. Pero magaan yung pakiramdam ko."
"Magaan? What do you mean?"
"I can easily smile every morning na eh. I mean,madali na sakin na gumising sa akin twing umaga. I don't feel lazy. I go to work na walang pumipilit sakin."
"Ano pa ba dapat?"
"Gaga mababaw yun. You go to work dahil kanino? Sa nanay mo. Not because of you having moved on. Your actions are bounded by social norms. Napipilitan ka kasi you feel a responsibility sa family mo. Napakarobotic. Walang kapararakan."
"Saan mo napulot yan?"
"Marunong ako magbasa. Sabi mo nakakangiti ka na pag gising mo sa umaga. Sabi mo masaya ka and all that. Sabi mo ganito sabi mo ganyan. But beks,do you feel the same way?"
"Same way as what?"
"Same way as before."
"Of course not."
"Anong point mo?"
"The moment you feel the same way as before,that's the time you've moved on."
"See? Ang isda nahuhuli sa bibig. Sayo na nanggaling na impossible. Meaning di ka pa okay. You haven't moved on. Yes,sabihin na nating you think of him now less often that you did before,but that doesn't mean di mo na sya mahal and okay ka and ready ka na for a relationship. Alam mo sa sarili mo na pag magmahal ka ngayon or pilitin mong magjowa,that poor bastard will just rank 2nd sa puso mo. Tama ba?"
"Ewan." I answered,natameme.
"Then paano mo naeexplain yung nararamdaman kong magaan? I mean I feel better now." I added.
"Best,now is different. Mas magaan ang pakiramdam mo now because natanggap mo na as in now na that he's no longer with you. After mahigit isang taon,ngayon mo lang natanggap na wala na sya. That's the reason you felt better,and it shows. "
"Okay." I said.
"Good. That's a sign na marunong ka na magmove on. It will take time,wag mong madaliin ang sarili mo. I'm happy na meron ng acceptance." she said while patting my back.
God. Tama. Realizations. She's just right.
So now baby,nagbablog ako kahit alam kong di mo nababasa to. I am happy to say that natanggap ko na unti-unti na wala ka na. How about that? Dapat maging happy ka na for me. I know naman na nagbabantay ka. Wala lang,nashare ko lang naman no.
28th pala ngayon,so happy monthsary. :)
I love you.
From the one that was left behind,