Tuesday, March 8, 2011

"The Art of Unloving You"

Note:This was written by Mz.Kiekai. Kudos to her. I love her. :)

Sometimes, just when you think you've found the perfect person, he realizes that there are so many things wrong with you. Eventually, you also realize that there are so many things wrong with him and everything just falls apart.

After some time, you realize that it's over. No amount of screaming, kicking and whinning can bring you an instant replay of the things that were and could have been.

Give me the space and the time that I need to learn to unlove you.

Musta ka na?

I don't know how I am. Would you take it against me if answer that question with a cold stare? How am I doing? I don't know. I absolutely don't know.

I guess I've been having sleepless nights, trying to figure out why things didn't work out. I guess I'm caught between wanting to shut you out of my life completely and wanting to snatch you away.

I don't know. I am lost.

Life was so much simpler before you messed up with my heart. Happiness, being okay and loneliness were simple emotions. With you in my life now, everything seems much more exaggerated. It's like I feel these emotions from my hair to my fingertips, to the point of being nauseated. .

Okay ka lang ba?

I don't think I'm okay. I am not okay. Being confused never belonged to the realm of being okay. Do you realize what you do to me? My days seem so much happier. The sun seems to shine brighter. The rain brings a smile to my lips. The colors seem more vivid and I now love the things I used to hate.

I don't think I'm okay.

My life has always been on a timetable. Everything is planned and every aspect has a structure. Everything has a Plan A and if the Plan A does not work, there's always a Plan B. When all else fails, there's always Plan C. When you came something has placed the entire order in my life upside down. My timetable changed and to the point I don't follow a schedule anymore. My plans were all put on hold. The whole structure just went crashing.

I had a clear view of what I wanted, where I was going and by when I need to get there. The moment you walked in, none of them seemed to matter anymore. All I wanted was to stay with you. And that isn't me. I can't afford to allow that to be me.

Not this time. Not with you.

You represent the exact opposite of everything I've ever longed for and yet, for some strange reason, I feel happy when I'm with you. Some people have a problem dealing with loneliness. I, however, find myself having a problem dealing with happiness because I can't justify to my mind why I feel about you. It's just not logical. It defies reason.

Are you angry with me?

No, I'm not angry with you.

I am just doing what's best for the both of us thereby solving the problem before it begins. I know this feeling all too well. I know I'm gonna end up starting my day with thoughts of you and end it just the same.

I'd have imaginary conversations with you in my head. And then one day, I'd wake up realizing that you have become an essential part of my day. It would be all so rosy for the first 90 days.

Until one day, reality gives me a nudge and makes me realize I don't really have you. That no matter how much you said you loved my eyes and sharing your dreams and your thoughts with me, I still won't be enough. That no matter how much you said you cared about me, you can never love me the way I want to be loved. That no matter what I do, there would be no me and you. So let me solve this the only way I know how.

You really don't want to see me anymore, no?

Well, yes… at least until I get over you.

At least until I am sure that your presence no longer affects my better judgement. At least until I've accepted the finality of things and never feel myself longing for something you cannot give.

Let me concentrate on the negative things about you. Let me bring you down from the pedestal I once placed you in. Allow me to see your worst and then maybe I'd change my mind.

Let me remind myself that as much as I love you, we have different priorities. That as much as I adore you, you have a way of pissing me off, a way that only you can do.

Let me be reminded of what a ball and chain you are then maybe I'd learn to see you in a different light. Let me gaze at your countenance one more time and remind myself how forgettable your features are.

Let me walk with indifference when all I wanted to do was to run to your side and hug you. Let me be nonchalant about your stories, about your thoughts. Let me be self-absorbed, allow me to work myself to death or drag my sorry ass wacking my brains out with academic pursuits.

Let me be busy.

It's just that I don't want to be happy for a moment and be miserable for the next three. I don't want to love you, because I don't want to go through the pain of letting you go. My mind refuses to let the heart win.

And you know what's the worst part of learning to unlove you?

It’s the disappointing reality, that my messed up heart is stubbornly believing that letting you go means loving you more.

It's the dark, unacceptable fact that sadly, whoever gets romantically entangled with me at this precise moment of my life, that person will only fall second best to the memory of you.

So allow me to get the space and the time I need as I live day-to-day, practicing the art of unloving you.


TA_ME said...

hindi niya pa rin makuha ang timpla ng essay mo rovilita, na-copy paste man niya, ikaw pa rin ang original..at copy cat lang siya.. divah?..hhehe.. :D anyway, nice blog..

unbroken said...

Hi TA_ME aka EYMY JOY! Hahahaha! Salamat sa pagcocomment at pagbisita sa blog ko. OMJ!

Lanchie said...

I think this is The Art of Unloving You by mz.kiekai.